Good Grief, This is Hard!

Bloody hell, what a year this has been. If you had said to me this time last year, that this is where I would be today, I would have thought you were joking. My life has (and still is) fallen apart. It feels like someone has thrown a hand-grenade into the centre of my universe and then run for the hills, leaving me to deal with the fallout.

The loss of my dad on 7th March, and the caring that I was required to do for him in the months before his death, plus the endless amount of admin and jobs I’ve had to do afterwards, have fundamentally changed me as a human being.

I feel like I’ve levelled up as an adult. Like the version of me who sits here today is the grown-up version of the person who sat here 365 days ago. And that version of me had already done a lot of adulting. She had experienced a lot of life, different jobs, working as a therapist, fertility battles, she had given birth three times without any pain relief, she had nearly died once, she had experienced death and grief and marriage and so much more, but nothing, and I mean nothing, had prepared her for losing a parent.

My dad was not a Hallmark Card dad. He didn’t play golf, he didn’t send thoughtful gifts, he wasn’t sentimental in any way, he was actually quite difficult, belligerent and frankly often hard work until the day he died! He didn’t mean to be all those things, he just was. But he was still my dad, and so deeply loved for all that he was.

And as I sit here now, with boxes of his belongings in my bedroom I would give anything to see him walk down my garden path with his binoculars around his neck, I would love to hear him say, “alright Fanny Anne,” as he stuck his head round my kitchen door and walked on my clean floor in his muddy shoes. It’s funny the things that you miss.

Losing my dad so suddenly and in such a difficult way has changed my life. I’ve got a clarity that I have never had before. I’ve also experienced every emotion possible on a level so deep that I’ve lost sense of time and space, and sometimes all the emotions hit me at the same time.

Love and grief are two sides of the same coin, as are joy and pain. I’m always hedging my bets on which side the coins will fall on at any given moment.

It’s brought into sharp focus that tomorrow is not guaranteed, even the next 10 minutes are not promised, and this is my chance (and yours) to live life. Do it now.

So, as well as doing all of the death admin with my brother, I’ve also been doing a lot of life admin. I’ve been thinking about what I truly want in this life and how I can take action to help it happen.

I have, in the midst of this turmoil, and I don’t know how, finished writing and editing my book and I am in the process of trademarking the title (because last time I wrote a book someone “allegedly” stole my work). My lovely friend and proofreader is about to start correcting my spellings for me, and I am going to start the illustrations today.  

I have also signed up for all sorts of things that push me out of my comfort zone to talk about my work.

On Wednesday 2nd September I will be on Channel Radio with Gill Russel, talking about my new book and who knows what else! I met Gill because she invited me to run a retreat for her after she read a blog I wrote all about knickers! (It’s funny how these things happen, isn’t it?)

This is the link if you want to listen, 2-4pm. (Click here to listen live!)

In early October I will be recording an episode for the @sobermermaidpodcast, with the lovely Rebecca Presley (@mermaid_gal_), to talk about my work. She has a brilliant book out at the moment called The Mermaid Who Chose to Stay, which is all about recovering from addiction and how she changed her life one cold sea dip at a time.

Later in October I’m going to be doing a wellbeing fayre to promote my book and my work.

And I’m sure there will be more of these different experiences ahead for me.

I think that the death of a loved one teaches us so much, if we are willing to learn the lessons on offer.

What I’ve learned so far is this:

• There are things that truly matter in this life, and things that don’t.

• Tell your important people that you love them as much as you can.

• Enjoy the simple, everyday moments, those are the ones you will miss the most.

• Forgive when and if you can.

• Speak your truth. I’m finding that I am much clearer on who I am, and who I’m not.

• Don’t waste time and energy on the things in life that no longer serve you, life is way too short for that. Now is all we have.

I can see calmer waters ahead, but they are still laced with grief, and that’s something I have to learn to live with.

If you are in the depths of grief right now, whether you lost someone a long time ago, or more recently, I am sending you love and healing. It’s an “other worldly” experience, that’s for sure, I’ve never felt so connected to something beyond what I can see, hear and touch. And if you have managed to wake up today and maybe got yourself a drink and some food, you are doing ok. Look after yourself.

Sarah. X